yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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