i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I've blown a few things in my day
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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