I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
