then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
