Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
