I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
