Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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