TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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