Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
