The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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