Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
