I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
