seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
