I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
