My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
