Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
