mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
