I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
