when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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