he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
