Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
