Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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