took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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