dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
