How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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