I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I am naked and annoyed.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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