Four minutes until I can fart!
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
