Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
