i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
