I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
