I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
