I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
