how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
