This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
