i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
