i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
