I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
