at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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