the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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