Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
