I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
