i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
