Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
