I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
