Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
