I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Randomize
