Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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