8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
