You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
