It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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