beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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